Predictions for the Google IPO
Regular readers know that I have occasional glimpses into the future, precognitive flashes, if you will, that reveal important things to come. So, in that spirit, I give you scenes from a secret meeting at Google headquarters, one month after the IPO.

"Okay guys, I really appreciate what you've done with the site, but you have a responsibility to the shareholders now, and I think we need to drum up some revenue. I've called us together for a little brainstorming session, so we can come up with some exciting revenue-enhancement strategies. A way to 'sex up' the company, if you will, while still remaining true to that fantastic 'Google spirit'. Ready?

"Okay, first, I think we need some spinny, flashy, blinky things on the front page -- you know, like MSN and Hotmail. That static, whitespace-heavy thing was cool for a while, but now that you've gone public, we need something with a little more life.

"Something that catches the eye and says, 'Hey world, we're Google!' So instead of just displaying the logo up top, what if we create a flash animation that spells it out for people when they log on? You know, maybe it can spring from the right side and spell Gooooooooooogle in swirly letters around the screen. That's funny, right? Gooooooooogle! Say it with me, 'Gooooooooogle!'

"Okay good, I'll jot that down. The next thing we need is celebrity appeal. I saw your proposal last week, recommending hip little whitespace shots with Allison Janey and Jeff Goldblum. You know, like Apple did, only...Googlier. That's good, but I think we can do better.

"Google is a young, hip brand, and we need young, hip representation. Picture this for the front page -- Britney Spears. Yeah, that's right, I went there. No, seriously. Britney Spears. Britney Spears on the right side of the screen, kind of leaning over the search box. Except it won't actually be a box anymore. Boxes are boring. I was thinking more of a long, fat, cylinder kind of box. And we can photoshop her hands so it looks like she's stroking it. Genius, huh? I'll jot that down.

"Next thing, merchandise. T-shirts, natch. I saw that proposal you guys did for the '12 Days of Google' shirt. Working in all those great logos you guys did last year. Excellent start, but I think we need to up the stakes here. Two words: Trucker Hat.

"We'll roll it out as part of our new Spring Break promotion. A whole bunch of college girls in Google trucker hats. Maybe even a Google thong. Holy shit, breakthrough! Britney Spears -- on the front page -- in a Google trucker hat! That is shit-hot! Somebody write that down!"